Monday, February 8, 2010

Bye Bye Blackbird

Question:

Let's say a little black bird gets trapped in your fireplace and is unable (or unwilling) to fly back out the chimney to sweet, sweet freedom.

Do you:

A) Ignore it for two days until the Husband gets home from a business trip

B) Stand helplessly by and watch sadly as the Husband is unable to get the bird out after several hours and multiple attempts over the weekend

C) Panic come Monday morning when you hear it pecking maniacally on the glass door covering the fireplace

D) Open all the windows and doors, put on one of the kids' bike helmets, and stand with a broom at the ready while gingerly opening the fireplace door

E) Proclaim your awesomeness and rejoice loudly when the disturbingly large black bird comes tearing out of the fireplace and heads right outside as you had hoped

F) Sit down peacefully at your computer, but pause and feel a shudder of fear run down your spine when you hear maniacal pecking coming from the fireplace of doom once more

G) Shine a flashlight into the blasted fireplace and see, TO YOUR HORROR, that there is another bird inside

H) Don your fabulously sexy broom and helmet a second time, open all the windows and doors (even though it is freezing cold outside), gird your courage about you, and, once again, open the fireplace door

I) Shriek loudly when the large black beast decides to bypass the open doors and windows, opting instead to fly angrily around your kitchen

J) Scream, cry, and shout obscenities while chasing the @#$!! bird around your house with a broom that you are sure it can snap in one bite with its massive, car-sized beak before turning on you and your squishy, supple, delicious flesh

K) Call the Husband on the phone and curse him for being employed and out of town in your desperate hour of need, while also tearfully giving him instructions for your impending funeral

L) Firmly resolve that you will not relinquish your home to this black feathered beast from hell, gather your courage about you, and swat at him again and again

M) FINALLY watch as the talon-footed monster from Hades soars out one of the open windows, and fall into a sobbing heap of joy on the floor, sure that you have evaded death itself

N) Look up sheepishly to find your neighbors staring at you in your helmet/broom combination with a very puzzled look on their sweet elderly faces

O) Promptly shut your windows and doors and drown your shame in chocolate and diet coke

Or do you do:

P) All of the above?

I'm just wondering. You know, in case anything like this should ever happen to me. Ahem. Not that it did. You know. Just trying to be prepared.

35 comments:

Stacy Holmes said...

Hahaha! I can totally picture you! Your writing is so descriptive! Do your neighbors have nothing better to do than spy on you and your frantic behavior? One question..why didn't you bake those blackbirds into a pie?

danandcindy said...

Did you consider lighting a fire?

danandcindy said...

The more responsible action would include taking photos of the action for you bird-brained-blog-boosters.

Rochelleht said...

WOW

At least it wasn't a rat. Not that I'd know anything about that. Ahem...

Tia Juana said...

No. You don't do any of those. No. Instead, being the fabulous baker girl that you are in emergency situations, you capture him, and any other of his friends who make their way down your chimney and well, what can I say? Put the "four and twenty blackbirds, baked in a pie!"

Melissa Walker said...

You would be braver than I would be if this really happened sometime. I would call one of the teenage boys in our ward to come help me when my husband is out of town. I would bribe them with food and they would come quickly and work cheaply, if I happened to need them.

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

First time visiting your blog... I love reading posts that make me laugh out loud at my desk, and today, yours definitely did all that and more! I am scarred for you! Any idea how the PAIR of birds ended up in your chimney in the first place?

~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom

Anna said...

Wow, I'm still laughing. I got nothing for ya.

Jeanelle said...

I needed a laugh today - thank you. I hope he didn't leave poop all over your kitchen.

Becky said...

ewwwww! I would have freaked out even worse. I do not like critters of any kind. And in your HOUSE? NO!!!!!! You were brave my friend, very very brave. It was flight or fight kicking right in there. It was called, "husband-not-home-you-gotta-do-it-yourself!" YIKES! and good good job.

Jen said...

This would have been a great time for McKay to use his birthday present. You are one brave woman. I would have called Animal Control but this way makes for good blog fodder :)

Laurie said...

Thanks for the laugh. And Dan's comment sounds exactly like something Dwight would say.

But the question now is, what will the husband be bringing home for you from his business trip? Surely you've earned something extra. :)

Jennifer said...

You have my utmost sympathies. I just had a similar experience with a wild cat. Chocolate and Diet Coke are definitely in order.

Stine said...

Here's what I did! http://stinestuff.blogspot.com/2008/02/fireplace-bird.html

February must be birds in the fireplace month. Thanks for the hilarious imagery from your experience!

Nikki said...

Oh. My. Word> That is terrifying and hilarious all at the same time! So glad you lived to tell the tale. :)

Tristan said...

HOLY COW! I would be freaking out! This was so hilarious I am still laughing!

I wish you had a picture of you in your sexy helmet waving your sexy broom!

I am so glad you survived the black bird from Hell!

Jess said...

Wow. And I thought I had a busy day!

This is seriously one of the funniest things I've ever read. As my husband likes to say, 'You can't make this stuff up!'.

I think you deserve another diet coke, my friend. And some chocolate.

Jess

BTW...thanks again for the AWESOME Valentines. They turned out perfect!

Mrs T said...

You poor thing! Did make a funny post though.

Annemarie said...

And that right there is exactly why it is so important to keep a stash of chocolate around.

Taunya said...

Just picturing this in my minds eye makes me chuckle out loud!! Way to think of the helmet. Everyone needs head gear in situations such as these!!

Lindsey said...

totally HAVE done something super similar with... a mouse. Hey, I am looking for a single 30 something girl.. Know one? Check my blog... I have a BACHELOR for her if you do!!!

Travelin'Oma said...

I was 14 and my friend Joan and I had just walked home from seeing "The Birds." And this exact thing happened in her living room! Her mom was chasing the bird with a broom while Joan sat on the couch and screamed hysterically. I don't think Joan ever recovered. I hope you do.

jessica said...

THIS HAPPENED TO ME! It happened about eight years ago and Aric was out of town. I didn't have a bike helmet to wear but I did have a broom. I chased that blasted thing all around my house and it pooped all over the place! I ended up throwing away a valance because I refused to wash it. I had made it myself and we were too poor to by another one. We were also too poor to have soda in the house, just chocolate chips and kool aid to drown my sorrows...I hate birds.

The warrior in me said...

Love your post- had me squealing with laughter! Hope the chocolate made you feel worth living through that!

Lauren in GA said...

Is it mean of me that I am glad all of these bizarre things happen to you because I LOVE reading your hilarious posts about them? I literally laughed out loud when I read about the car-sized beak and plans for your impending funeral.

I'm sorry. It is mean of me.

Uh, did Dan call us bird-brained? Takes one to know one, Dan...heh, heh, heh ;)

ang :o) said...

thanks for the laugh. that was hilarious!

brooke said...

I am terrified of birds so I almost didn't read this post but you are too funny to not read.

This would have put me over the top. I would have paid a neighbor to do the job. I couldn't be present when that flying rat came out of the fireplace. It gives me chills just thinking about it.

YOu are a brave woman.

Cindy said...

I can only imagine what the neighbors were thinking as they listened to your screams and running around the house. I'm sure they were releived to see it was a bird... I would also imagine that if they weren't already wearing a pair of depends that they wished they were. What a sight to see! I'm glad you were able to get those darn birds out of your home.

♥Shally said...

Pictures.

I need pictures.

Next time just go outside and sing like Snow White and all the happy birdies will sing with you, including the deadly black ones.

Soooo much easier.

(Can you tell I watch princess movies WAY to much?)

Ilene said...

Are you kidding me?

I officially think you are my hero.

There are birds living in our local Fred Meyer. It is creepy and I refuse to buy any of their produce.

Thelma said...

You. Make. Me. Laugh.

sistaoutlaw said...

It could have been worse-like maybe 100+ bats in your fireplace. How fun is that to put on a disclosure notice when trying to sell your home. Thanks for the laughs and the memories.

Dalene said...

You've got to be kidding me. Just don't rent The Birds by Hitchcock. It might bring back dangerous flashbacks.

allthingsjuice said...

I had an identical experience while I was a nanny for 3 kids summer after my freshman year! Two birds - it was a scarring experience. I still don't like birds to this day (20 years later!).

Amanda D said...

That is so absolutley hilarious. I am so glad that you are planning ahead and getting prepared. You know, just in case.