Friday, February 19, 2010

And that, my friends, is exactly why I will continue to exercise every day

Internets, my heart, it is all a flutter.

Quite literally.

Fluttering and palpitating.

I have been noticing some palpitations and flutters for about a week now, and since we are of the highly insured variety, I popped myself into the cardiologist's office this week.

I liked going. I was the youngest in the waiting room by like 30 years at least. Made me feel pretty and attractive, sitting there next to the little old people and their spotted hands. As they called my name, I felt proud standing up without a walker. Almost turned around and gave the old peeps a wave -- and would have, too -- had I not tripped over my own feet like an idiot.

Stupid youth and hubris.

So my palpitations and flutters are probably nothing, but the cardiologist decided to send my highly insured self for an echocardiogram. Just to be safe. (Oma, are you dying reading this? Sorry.)

Getting an echo meant another day of sitting in yet another waiting room full of the lovely old people. And their walkers. And their canes. With me and my bad self. Strutting my youth and vitality. Nimbly bending and reaching without so much as a crack or a creak. Reminding them of the former glory they once had. My beauty, frozen in time...

Oh, all right. I'll stop now.

So finally my name is called by a technician who just so happens to look and sound exactly like Saddam Hussein. He takes me down a series of hallways and we end up at the doorway of a very dark room. Which was outfitted with a bed.

Saddam smiles, tells me to take my shirt off, put on a paper gown, and lie down on the bed in the dark room.

I mean, it usually takes at least dinner before I'll go to first base with a dead foreign dictator. Geez.

So I take my shirt off, put on the hideously loud paper gown, and lie in the dark room on the bed. After several noisy, paper-crunching minutes, Saddam comes back. He starts looking at my heart with the ultrasound/echo thingie (yes, that is the technical term) and makes a "Hmmpph" sound.

When one is lying there topless in a dark room with a Saddam Hussein lookalike, "Hmmpph" is not exactly the word you want to hear. He then asks me what I do for a living. I reply, a little too boldly, that I am a self-employed photographer. (Code for stay-at-home mom who likes to dabble in photography on the side). Saddam whistles through his moustache and says,

"Wow. By de looks of your heart, I would say you were a pro-fessional ath-a-lete. You have a veddy good heart. Do you, uh, work out?"

But see, he says this with a mixture of surprise and disdain as he is appraising my very, shall we say, un-athletic-like physique.

I reply that, yes, I work out every day.

Saddam turns back to the monitor with another of his Hmmphs. Which was code for, "Wow. Chubby over here is healthier than she looks. Go figure."

Well, at least I now know one thing: My heart can totally beat up his heart.

32 comments:

Annie said...

Your heart should be in the Olympics! So glad everything looks okay, though. In the freaky coincidence department, Lauren is wearing a heart monitor all month long for some episodes she's been having too. I waited like six months before taking her in, cause I'm an awesome mom like that.

Melissa Walker said...

We should all have one body part of a professional athlete. At least you have one--I don't think I have any. Maybe my lithe pinky?

Tristan said...

Congrats on the super healthy heart!

Rochelleht said...

I can't get over the mental picture of you hanging out with Saddam topless. What did he say about the 'real age' of your boobs?

Lala said...

Yea for you & your heart! Keep up the good work - you're awesome!

danandcindy said...

Well, this is actually very good news. I never thought you had a heart.

Zana said...

'veddy good, veddy good'

Emily said...

As always, your brother Dan cracks me up--although I always knew you had a heart, but still happy to hear it is healthy as ever, and I'm sure could kick my heart's can.

the wrath of khandrea said...

see? it really IS all about what's on the inside.

and here i've been so shallow thinking looks matter.

Jessica said...

So I TOTALLY tell myself that although the working out is obviously not turning me into the supermodel I want to be, at least all those skinnies that don't HAVE to work out aren't as physical fit as me.

And you just proved it.

phd in yogurtry said...

Now that must feel good! Way to go!

Meeks said...

You're a great storyteller! You crack me up! (ps well done on the great heart bit!)

Travelin'Oma said...

I'm glad your heart is healthy! But, if it stays healthy, you will indeed get old, and there will be some young, cute chicks who will make fun, and I will be in heaven laughing.

Meggan said...

Yay for exercise! I am glad it's paying off for you. Having a good heart is always a good thing.

Tara @ Feels like home said...

I laughed and laughed and laughed as I read this.

But seriously, we've met in person, and the last thing I would've called you was chubby. You're tall and beautiful and slender! So I would definitely think that you were an ath-a-lete with a healthy heart. :)

Cindy said...

I'm so glad you're okay. I was very nervous as I began reading...

mae said...

Hilarious. great mental imagery of you showing off in front of the sick geriatrics. you are just too dang funny! I always have a chuckle at Dan's comments....

Christie in Dallas, TX said...

Well, bless your very strong heart! So what's causing all that fluttering???

SM said...

ok, I will start to work out everyday ;)

serious but pretty funny blog. ;)

Chatter said...

Oh Stie, somehow you can turn something like this into a funny story. You crack me up! Glad to hear you have a healthy heart. Go get em!

Lauren in GA said...

I think I laughed about, I dont' know, 18 or 19 times during this awesome post. I love your humor.

And I love your heart. Good job, Stie's heart...I am glad you are okay.

Lauren in GA said...

Oh, and I know what you mean about being the youngest in the office. Little John has to go to the eye surgeon to make sure that his retinas are not detaching because of the oxygen. He is about, oh, 70 years younger than all of the other patients at the surgeons office. Needless to say, he gets a lot of attention!

Becky said...

Been away at disneyland,...my motivation wasn't there. Definitely not. I am glad to hear your heart is ok. Ease up on the stress- it's probably from all the trying to please people with their photos. And...keep running, cuz your motivation is on that treadmill. Whenever I am exercising I think I can do ANYTHING!!! Sound familiar?

Kimberly said...

Do you have a heart rate monitor? If not, you should get one...they are so much fun. It's amazing to read your results at the end of the week and see how hard your heart worked and especially how many calories you burn. It's a very fun way to keep your heart in check! I'm glad to hear everything checked out okay...funny story too!

Anonymous said...

I had heart palpitations and went to the cardiologist who could find nothing wrong. Long story short, dentist put me on Augmentin for an infected tooth and the heart palpitations went away. As long as I kept taking the antibiotic.
Doctor kept me on it for a couple years. Then one day I ran out of it and didn't get my refill right away. I discovered accidentally that my heart palpitations had stopped! True story. Don't know if it will help you or not.

Anonymous said...

Ok, that was the FUNNIEST thing I have read in a long time!! You, are a funny girl. I was just thinking about your Red Dress, the one that I have one like, and was wishing I looked like you in it!
I have a check for you from like...Christmas! Keep up the great work on a strong heart, it is heart healthy month this month, and keep me laughing with the blog!! I need it!

3leftturns said...

I think the whole 'self employed photographer' is a cover for being an international super spy. How do you know what Saddam sounded like? You probably went all Mr and Mrs Smith and took him out yourself. Don't go double-- the FBI will put you away for a long time if you sell our secrets to Russia.

LynDee R said...

I was so suprised they need to do the echo thingy on you. I could have told them your heart was palpitating, because you need to sit down. Take a rest girl! You can't be Superwomen every day. Sit down and relax you will be back to near perfection tomorrow. Take care of yourself because you are my inspiration.

gab said...

Glad you are ok! I heart your heart.

brooke said...

I'm SURE he was just impressed with your heart and not thinking you have an "un-athletic like physique. I'd be so proud of myself if someone complimented my heart! I'm always proud when the nurse at the OB's office is impressed at my low blood pressure. I need something to gloat about since I'm always ashamed at how much weight I've gained since my last visit. Pregnancy is no time to cut-back!

Lisa-Marie said...

Yeah for the good looking heart, but did they decide why the palpitations? You have me all nervous here.

Meg said...

I know I hardly know you.

But I love you. Me and the guy with the moustache.

That was hilarious!