Wednesday, April 23, 2008

His and Hers Perceptions

The Husband is generally not around during the week as he travels a lot for work. He's not privy to my daily routine, and I am not privy to his. I'm sure he has his own ideas about what happens around here.

Here's what I think his perceptions are of how I spend a typical day:

7:00 a.m. The alarm goes off. Yell at the kids to get out of bed, then fall right back asleep.

7:50 a.m. Rush out of bed and shove the kids out the front door for school. When they ask about lunches, tell them to just share what the kid next to them brings for lunch. Feel good for teaching them how to share.

7:51 a.m. Eat my own hearty breakfast of donuts, brownies, and chocolate milk.

7:55 a.m. Scratch rear end with long poking stick.

7:59 a.m. Yawn. Consider taking a shower. Go back to bed instead.

11:45 a.m. Wake up and shove Hannah out the door for the kindergarten bus pick-up. Remember her need for lunch and throw a pop-tart at the bus in the hope that she catches it.

12:01 p.m. Go through McDonald's drive-thru and order a Big Mac, three orders of fries, and a large milkshake for lunch. For myself.

12:12 p.m. Rush home to watch several soap operas while gorging on McD's.

2:00 p.m. Take a much-needed nap.

3:20 p.m. Greet the children at the front door with strict instructions not to disturb my second afternoon nap. Tell them to do their own homework.

5:00 p.m. Wake up from nap, order a pizza, and ignore the large pile of dishes in the sink.

5:30 p.m. Feed the children. Eat remaining donuts from this morning when the children aren't looking. Laugh when the children ask for vegetables. Force them to eat greasy pizza instead.

6:00 p.m. Send the children to bed.

6:01 p.m. Begin five hour nighttime television marathon involving TIVO'd episodes of soap operas that I missed while napping.

6:30 p.m. Consume remaining eight slices of pizza. Wash it down with some diet coke and feel good about my low-calorie drink. Feel deep sense of satisfaction for making such a healthy choice.

11:00 p.m. Begin to get ready for bed, and realize I am still in my pajamas from the night before. Smile wickedly at that thought and crawl into the unmade bed.

11:01 p.m. Fall asleep while eating a bag of Doritos.

*********************************

Oh, I wish. Here's how I REALLY spend my days:

6:28 a.m. Wake up. Hit the snooze button three times and wish it was a Saturday.

6:55 a.m. Get out of bed. Find two of the three children already awake. Wonder how I gave birth to such cheerful early risers.

7:00 a.m. Feed the children a breakfast of Eggo waffles, apples, peanut butter, and skim milk. Throw in the first of several loads of laundry. Pack lunches. Clean up breakfast dishes, kitchen, living room, and sun room. Vacuum entire first floor.

7:50 a.m. Hug and kiss the boys, and watch them walk to the bus stop. Wait for the bus to pass and wave them off to their day.

8:00 a.m. Hit the treadmill. Sweat and run to a re-run of Desperate Housewives. Silently be grateful there's a new Grey's Anatomy this week.

9:00 a.m. Read a few blogs.

9:20 a.m. Shower, blow dry hair, apply make-up, and get dressed. Change the laundry.

10:15 a.m. Assemble goodie bags for Hannah's birthday party this week. Play dollhouse with her. Listen to her excitedly describe YET AGAIN every character on High School Musical. Nod, and smile, and say, "Oh really, wow!" while secretly wanting to punch Sharpay and Troy. Go pick up dry cleaning.

11:30 a.m. Feed Hannah her favorite lunch of Spaghettios and goldfish. Force her to drink a glass of milk.

12:00 p.m. Watch for the bus with Hannah. Wave to her, even though she never looks or waves back.

12:01 p.m. Run to the grocery store, milk store, Target, and post office. Stop for a diet coke at McDonald's. Savor its absolute perfection.

1:30 p.m. Come home and unpack groceries. Change the laundry again. Go downstairs to office and transcribe three very long and boring files.

3:15 p.m. Greet children at the door and remind them to take off their shoes. Help McKay with his 4th grade math homework and find that it is too challenging for me. Try not to let him know this. Pretend to love math. Wonder when I lost so many brain cells.

4:00 p.m. Begin dinner. Remember laundry that is waiting and switch loads again.

5:00 p.m. Feed the children. Make them eat their vegetables. Feed self. Do the dishes. Re-vacuum entire first floor, most especially around Chase's spot, who wins the Messiest Eater Award every night at dinner.

5:45 p.m. Listen to Chase and Hannah read.

6:30 p.m. Fold more laundry. Put away laundry. Take out garbage.

7:30 p.m. Drive McKay to his baseball game. Cheer, yell, shout, and moan. All at the same time.

7:43 p.m. Take both Chase and Hannah to the bathroom, which is conveniently located about 14.8 miles from the field. Remind them AGAIN to go before we leave home.

9:45 p.m. Game ends. Congratulate McKay on his triple play. Avoid pointing out that it was errors and overthrows made by the other team. Be glad he is so happy about it. Take three tired kids home. Force them to shower against their will. Send them to bed.

10:30 p.m. Remove clothes, wash face, brush teeth, and climb exhausted into my neatly-made bed.

10:31 p.m. Fall fast asleep and dream about doing it all again tomorrow.

************************

See, honey? I think we all know what REALLY happens around here, even you. I'd like to say that I'm living the first life, as it seems to involve lots of donuts and naps, but unfortunately, that is not my life. This one is.

And it's not so bad.

Gotta run though. I'm sure there's a donut somewhere with my name on it.

45 comments:

Wendi said...

I am right there with you. I actually wrote a similar post a couple of days ago. Similar, though not nearly as entertaining. My husband was out of town 4 days. I really could not go it alone as much as you do. You are a good woman!

Autumn said...

Whew, I'm exhausted from just READING that!

Ashlee said...

So, was that baseball game on a school night? {that's the anal retentive mom in me asking}

I know the hubby's don't get it, nor could they keep up with us if they even tried. They are wusses. :0)

Christie said...

Ashlee, yes, it was a weekday game. Some of our games now START at eight o'clock at night. It's just plain wrong, if you ask me.

katie said...

ditto autumn above, I'm exhausted. And wha? some games start? at 8:00??

that is frickin crazy.

You are wonder woman!

Cara said...

sad to know that somewhere out there people DO live the 1st life. I've seen them on reality tv. However, I do have one question. The milk store?? am I missing something? Do you buy special milk? I have rice milk on my cereal but the reg. store has it. So what kind of milk do they sell at the milk store?

Denae (a.k.a. D-dawg) said...

That first life is hilarious. If only... if only....

I was glad to hear about the baseball game because I was starting to wonder if you didn't have your kids signed up for outside activities. That is what seems to take up my evenings even though we're only doing swim team and brownies right now.

Now I want a donut, and doritos.

kari said...

This is so hilarious and I can certainly relate. We have late ballgames on school nights, too. Those nights we rarely get home before 9:30-10:00 and then have to do showers/baths, etc. It's crazy. I would like to try out that 1st life, if only for a day;o)

Lisa-Marie said...

I had something to say about how funny you are and how you can make a crazy mommy day so enjoyable to read then I became distracted by the fact that your kids' games don't start until 8:00. Holy Moly!

Maren :) said...

Don't be too hard on yourself, I think you were probably a math genius before your sweeties were born. I was always told we lose brain cells with each birth, sounds good... huh? Well, gotta go... time for my nap.☺

(I learned that from Gabi's pretend friend's tutorial... I am so pleased!)♀

Maren :) said...

Uumm... I thought that last symbol was a flower... I will just stick with the smiles and hearts. ♥

Kristin said...

I am tired reading both stories, his and hers. I alwasy treat myself to a coke when I am done grocery shopping as well.

Michael said...

I'll take the first one... I can't wait to send my wife off to work and stay home all day eating and sleeping and watching TV.

Rosie said...

Boy oh boy, these are the days, aren't they?

Amz said...

What exhausting but wonderful work. As much as we think we'd like #1, we would really be more miserable, don't you think? So much better to be productive.

RobynandJoe said...

That was great! I especially loved the part about scratching your rear end with a long poking stick. That's probably what my husband thinks I do all day, too!

AnnaBanana said...

So which life has the long hot bubble baths, the cute lawn boy and the husband who loves you no matter what?

Ilene said...

Um, where is the part where you break down and yell or cry at those kids who won't leave your leg?

I obviously have a long way to go.

I DO NOT ever pity my husband on his road trips... quiet hotel room, exercise time, good food, and a bed time chat with a hot woman (or well, a complaining frazzled wife). I insist all hotel points accumlated be spent taking me to a tropical paradise without any kids.

Summers Camp said...

You mean it's not an average between the two??? I wish it were. That would make me feel better about myself... *B

andrea said...

you are so funny. this was great! my favorite part was you smiling wickedly as you climb back into bed, still in jammies. i was totally picturing it. you make a good wicked smile.

Annemarie said...

I love, love, love this post! I suddenly have a craving for donuts & I feel like I need a nap...whatever!!!

Amber said...

I like his version better. :-)

Chatter said...

I need to do one of these (on a good day of course). Today is a laundry/vacuum/organize/feed kids/etc day. One thing after another. Which means tomorrow I will feel the need to do NOTHING.

Your day sounded exhausting...

I'd take the pizza and donuts too :)

gab said...

Hahaha! Don't let Josh blog-jack again and do a rebuttal post.

Where oh where did our 6:30 bedtimes go?

Annie said...

why am I not surprised that you vacuum twice a day?!

I think J might enjoy imagining that you are living life #1 but I'm pretty sure he knows how wonderful you are. If not, now he does!

p.s. aren't you excited for next year when there's no mid-day bus/departure? All day for Miss Hannah. Woo-hoo!

last p.s. My girls aren't the looking & waving type either.

Lisa @ Take90West said...

The day my youngest starts kindergarten and is gone all day, I am going to back to bed. Just to see what it is like.

What is it about the icy cold perfection of a fountain coke from McD'? The burn, the bubbles, it's almost the best part of my day. One a day keeps me sane. Unless I'm going to a late baseball game, then I need another one, to stay awake!
The nights around here are getting so late now that it's Spring.

calibosmom said...

Sweet schedule! I prefer the first one but then you would be 400lbs.

Mique (as in M-i-c-k-e-y) said...

Hey there little Stie,
Sorry I have been missing in my comments as of late. I've been terrible with commenting in general. Hope you still like me and will talk to me at Blogapazoola.
Now that that's out the way- do you mind if I forward this to my husband? My Josh seems to think I do #1 also. However I don't do your #2 with all day laundry (obviously) and vacuuming twice. I still have a lot to learn from you C.
Great post as always! :)

Becky said...

Please tell me you are kidding that you vacuum twice a day. I can understand maybe under Chase's chair (that would be camden for me!), ...but c'mon...let one of those vacuumings go, please!

Lauren said...

I loved every word of this. :) I burst out in loud enough laughter when I read the part of about giving Hannah her lunch (throw a pop tart at her when she is on the bus and hope she catches it) that my kids asked me what I was laughing at. When I told them they didn't think it was funny...instead they said things to praise that kind of parenting. I will never be a cool mom...I explained that you were joking and one said, "Awwwwwww, but that would have been cool!"

You are so fun to read!

Lauren said...

I forgot to tell you how much I enjoyed the part about, "scratch rear end with a long poking stick".

A girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do!

Okay, my kids are still talking about the Pop Tart thing...next time they complain about the snacks I offer them I am going to pelt them with a Pop Tart. Done.

You are seriously so funny...I had to wipe away tears. No joke!

danandcindy said...

I call B.S. on your schedule. Here's what I perceive...

1. Listen for the kids to get themselves ready for school, and get out the door, all while you are blogging.

2. Blog all frickin' day long.

3. Make up something wacky that happened to you during the day so you can blog about it.

4. Go to bed, and fall asleep thinking about what you are going to blog about tomorrow.

Jessica said...

Oh I KNOW when you read blogs, because you are 3 hours ahead of me, time zone wise, and I know I will see my Christie comments when I wake up at 6:00 am. Yours and Gab's (I mean Gahb's). They make me soo happy.

Kimberly said...

I'm exhausted just reading your schedule!

I liked the part about you playing with Hannah. Whenever I do those things with Taylor I always find my mind wandering and forgetting what part I was playing or what the plot was.

i'm kelly said...

take it from a girl who's hubby works out the house more often than not... even if he is there, day in and day out, they seem to have blinders on. no matter how much crying & whining is going on... no matter how much running around you do. they don't seem to notice, & then they wander out complaining about a hard day "at the office".

The UnMighty said...

Wow, you sound like a Stepford wife. Which is exactly why I don't believe any of it. Nice try though.

Kristy said...

Okay, thanks for doing enough housework for a couple of us! I'm trying to be healthier, exercise more, & lose a little weight, ok, A LOT of weight. I think I lost 5 lbs. just reading about your day. (It evened out though, since I GAINED 5 lbs. reading his perspective...LOL)

After a difficult last week, thanks for the comic relief! :)

Now where are those doritos, um donuts, I mean diced apples...

Jenibelle said...

It's a proven fact that you lose 10% percent of your brain cells with each child. So if you have three children you only have 72.9% of your original allotment. That's when you lost them.

We have a lady in our ward who has 12 kids, she has no brains anymore. Celia can testify to this.

I heard this fact in RS so it is true.

If young girls KNEW what real life being married with kids is like, we wouldn't have to worry about over-population would we?

TravelinOma said...

Someone else's life always looks easier than our own. I remember being jealous that Dee got to drive to work without kids in the car. I'm sure he thought I had it much better because I didn't work at all!

Shally said...

GREAT post! Sometimes I feel like Zach comes home and wonders

WHA????

Cecily R said...

The long poking stick line made me laugh outloud.

Is it bad that I think my ideal day is kind of a mixture of both your scenarios? My real day isn't a mixture, but it would be nice to nap at least ONCE in a while!!

What a great writer you are, by the way!!

CJ, the Purple Diva said...

Hey,
Been away for a while, just busy.
At any rate this was so dang funny. I have no idea what my DH thinks I do all day: but I am sure it would be just like this! I've been there done these days! Hang in there busy lady!

Family Adventure said...

Your kids go to bed at 10 pm?? Wow, I'm surprised you can still get them up in the morning...mine are orgres if they are not in bed by 9 pm.

I like the first life better!

Heidi

Holly said...

LOL!!! I love this post!

Lindsey said...

I don't know how, but I totally missed this post when it came up! (Darn reader) It was hilarious though, because my husband thinks the exact same thing.. However, for me... I am somewhere inbetween the reality of the first and the perfection of the second. Good show. I loved it... Oh, and I can TOTALLY retate to the "good brew" of diet coke that you are found savoring.. Hillarious... I love the Wendy's brew..just perfect..oh, and I can get .99 cent chicken nuggets and throw them at the back seat while I am at it. Someone will EVENTUALLY eat them. Just loved it Christie.